Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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