I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Randomize
