we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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