Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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