Your dad touched me again.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
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