The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Found the puke drawer
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
