ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
