good thing vaginas are great cup holders
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize