Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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