remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
