my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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