After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
