i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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