Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
whose parrot is this?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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