Can i not drive my cunt home
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
