He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
The chlamydia really affected his face.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
