I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
