Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Randomize
