Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize