my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
