Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
