Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
