the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
don't judge my taste in strippers
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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