i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
