He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
