So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
