Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
