I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
