the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
