don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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