RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
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