I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
The adults are the big ones right?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
