My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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