Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
My ass is underappreciated
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
