I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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