im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
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