I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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