I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I use my feet as sexual weapons
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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