She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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