i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
