Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
