Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
