my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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