We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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