would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
