my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
