my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
