How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
