how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You need a sexual gate keeper
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
