i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize