time to smoke my breakfast
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
The struggles of a small town man whore
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
