My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize