drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
