Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
