Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
