when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
