i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
