pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
