I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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