Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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