Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
