none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
