Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
