clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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