I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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