How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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