Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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